Daddy's Little Girl

It is amazing the love that you have for your children. I always knew that I wanted kids and knew that I would love being a mom, but this love that you have is something that you can't even explain until you experience it. Everyday Elizabeth seizes to amaze me with her new discoveries and her incredible personality. I can't believe how much personality this kid has for a one year old...what is even wilder than that is how much her personality is like Tony's -her sense of humor, the looks she gives when she is being silly, how she greets and says "hi" to every kid at the park- big or small, and how she loves a good cuddle. Though I try not to, I often picture what would've been- I can see her all cuddled up on the couch with him, working out in the yard as he shows her how he builds something, sitting on his lap by the campfire. These are the thoughts that torture my head and often bring me to tears. He would be so enamored with her and all of her discoveries.She was going to be a daddy's girl for sure. We could all see it from the time she was born. I often think about a few years down the road when all of the questions will arise about her daddy. I want her to know him as best as possible.We look at pictures of him and talk about him all the time- she points and says "dada".We talk about him and the things that he loved- but just as a parent cringes with the first big fall or scrape on their child's knee I too cringe at the thought of her hurting because she has no daddy and "why is he not here?" and all of the other zillions of questions that are to come...

It's been a while, we are doing okay, but can I have my old life back now?

I have read a lot about the stages of Grief, but truly experiencing them is another story. This is such an emotional rollercoaster that I am on, it is really crazy. Everyone comments on how strong I am and how well I held up during Tony's services and giving my speech, but the truth is I think I was numb. I feel like things are hitting me harder now than they did 8 months ago. Elizabeth and I are doing fine and for the most part I go about my days pretty well. This "new life" of mine is okay, but sometimes I just feel like I want my old life back. I try to do the things we used to do, like camping at an old spot we used to venture to with friends, watching shows we enjoyed together, listening to our playlists on our ipod, but it just leads to pain and heartache. I am coming to the realization that there really is no turning back. My life is on a new journey and I have to accept the change and move forward...

Cooking

Well, I cooked my first full meal since Tony passed. I had Chad, Sethena, and Makenzie over for Lemon Chicken. As I pulled out the recipe, I had noted on it "make again-Tony love it!". I couldn't help, but smile when I read that. I loved cooking for Tony. I know that sounds so old school and 1950's housewife-ish, but it was true. I loved the way he would rave about the things that I made, brag to his friends that they had to try some of this or that that I made, and always compliment me on how great everything turned out.Then he would usually always smile and throw in a few "I am so luckys" with his cute grin on his face. He even prided himself on becoming my "sou-chef" and "master chopper" in preparing meals. We spent some great times together in the kitchen...Last night as I was cooking, before my guests arrived I felt like Tony was beside me as I was prepping the food. It may make me sound nutty, but I don't care it was a good feeling:-)

The Holidays

I made it through Thanksgiving... It was great to see my family in Chico and to celebrate Elizabeth's first Thanksgiving, but it was also my first realization that the holidays are going to be incredibly hard. "Happy Thanksgiving" was believe it or not something that Tony used to say to me year round. Right after we met, which was in February of 2004, he used to always say "I am so thankful that I met you, I feel like everyday is Thanksgiving". He later shortened it to "Happy Thanksgiving" and would say that to me whether it was January or June. On Thanksgiving day I felt like I could just hear his voice resonating in my head saying "Happy Thanksgiving babe" and it ripped me to pieces thinking that he wasn't here. I have always loved Christmas and everything that goes along with it- the music, the lights, the decorations, the family gatherings, celebrations at church. Usually this is such a happy time of year. This year I am excited that Elizabeth will be celebrating her first Christmas, but it just breaks my heart that he will not be here. He won't be here to see here eyes widen with delight when we put the lights on the tree, to hear her holler as she reaches for all of the packages and the bright ornaments, to see her get her first picture with Santa...The other day I picked up a Toys R Us ad that was on the coffee table and as I was thumbing through it I came across a page of beautiful bicycles for little girls. I immediately felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Who is going to pick out the coolest bike ever (as I know Tony would have done) and teach her to ride it? I can't believe that he won't be here for this, all of the little moments like this that he looked forward to so much. I just ache when I think of her growing up without him here. He was going to be the best dad. I was so confident about that. He was so excited to watch her grow..I have made a vow to myself to try and do all of the things that Tony would have done for her, but I know that it will be hard. I am so thankful everyday that I have my little Elizabeth. She makes me smile everyday and continues to bring joy to my life. This Christmas I do feel blessed. Though the circumstances are tough I know that my husband Tony has left me with the best gift he could have given me.

The Start of a Blog

Well actually this blog was supposed to be started several months back. I always wanted to create one once our daughter Elizabeth was born so that friends and family near and far would be able to keep up with all of her milestones. I tried to think of a name for the blog, I wanted something a little catchy and unique, something that really depicted our life as our new little family, all I kept thinking was "our life is beautiful". I called Tony at work to let him know my thoughts of this new blog and that I had titled it " A Vida E Bela"- I had googled how to say it in Portuguese and this was what I came up with. He thought it sounded like a great idea, but that he was in the middle of a project and that we'd talk about it later...he wasn't quite sure I had my Portuguese translation correct. Flash forward three months later and here I am. My life has changed completely and the title of this blog should now read our 'life was beautiful'. I can't believe my dear sweet Tony is gone... It still puzzles me to no end how this could have happened and here I am picking up where I left off, on the start of a blog that now has a completely new meaning.