Friday, December 11, 2009

The Holidays

I made it through Thanksgiving... It was great to see my family in Chico and to celebrate Elizabeth's first Thanksgiving, but it was also my first realization that the holidays are going to be incredibly hard. "Happy Thanksgiving" was believe it or not something that Tony used to say to me year round. Right after we met, which was in February of 2004, he used to always say "I am so thankful that I met you, I feel like everyday is Thanksgiving". He later shortened it to "Happy Thanksgiving" and would say that to me whether it was January or June. On Thanksgiving day I felt like I could just hear his voice resonating in my head saying "Happy Thanksgiving babe" and it ripped me to pieces thinking that he wasn't here. I have always loved Christmas and everything that goes along with it- the music, the lights, the decorations, the family gatherings, celebrations at church. Usually this is such a happy time of year. This year I am excited that Elizabeth will be celebrating her first Christmas, but it just breaks my heart that he will not be here. He won't be here to see here eyes widen with delight when we put the lights on the tree, to hear her holler as she reaches for all of the packages and the bright ornaments, to see her get her first picture with Santa...The other day I picked up a Toys R Us ad that was on the coffee table and as I was thumbing through it I came across a page of beautiful bicycles for little girls. I immediately felt the tears welling up in my eyes. Who is going to pick out the coolest bike ever (as I know Tony would have done) and teach her to ride it? I can't believe that he won't be here for this, all of the little moments like this that he looked forward to so much. I just ache when I think of her growing up without him here. He was going to be the best dad. I was so confident about that. He was so excited to watch her grow..I have made a vow to myself to try and do all of the things that Tony would have done for her, but I know that it will be hard. I am so thankful everyday that I have my little Elizabeth. She makes me smile everyday and continues to bring joy to my life. This Christmas I do feel blessed. Though the circumstances are tough I know that my husband Tony has left me with the best gift he could have given me.

1 comment:

  1. Sarah, I have goosebumps reading your words. I'm so proud of you that you decided to continue with the blog after all that's been ripped from you and sweet Lizzie. I hope you find it cathartic, a place to write whatever feelings you have no matter what they may be. Wishing you some peace this holiday season, I know it will be so bittersweet. So looking forward to seeing you in January and following your blog. Lots of love.