Daddy's Little Girl

It is amazing the love that you have for your children. I always knew that I wanted kids and knew that I would love being a mom, but this love that you have is something that you can't even explain until you experience it. Everyday Elizabeth seizes to amaze me with her new discoveries and her incredible personality. I can't believe how much personality this kid has for a one year old...what is even wilder than that is how much her personality is like Tony's -her sense of humor, the looks she gives when she is being silly, how she greets and says "hi" to every kid at the park- big or small, and how she loves a good cuddle. Though I try not to, I often picture what would've been- I can see her all cuddled up on the couch with him, working out in the yard as he shows her how he builds something, sitting on his lap by the campfire. These are the thoughts that torture my head and often bring me to tears. He would be so enamored with her and all of her discoveries.She was going to be a daddy's girl for sure. We could all see it from the time she was born. I often think about a few years down the road when all of the questions will arise about her daddy. I want her to know him as best as possible.We look at pictures of him and talk about him all the time- she points and says "dada".We talk about him and the things that he loved- but just as a parent cringes with the first big fall or scrape on their child's knee I too cringe at the thought of her hurting because she has no daddy and "why is he not here?" and all of the other zillions of questions that are to come...

It's been a while, we are doing okay, but can I have my old life back now?

I have read a lot about the stages of Grief, but truly experiencing them is another story. This is such an emotional rollercoaster that I am on, it is really crazy. Everyone comments on how strong I am and how well I held up during Tony's services and giving my speech, but the truth is I think I was numb. I feel like things are hitting me harder now than they did 8 months ago. Elizabeth and I are doing fine and for the most part I go about my days pretty well. This "new life" of mine is okay, but sometimes I just feel like I want my old life back. I try to do the things we used to do, like camping at an old spot we used to venture to with friends, watching shows we enjoyed together, listening to our playlists on our ipod, but it just leads to pain and heartache. I am coming to the realization that there really is no turning back. My life is on a new journey and I have to accept the change and move forward...

Cooking

Well, I cooked my first full meal since Tony passed. I had Chad, Sethena, and Makenzie over for Lemon Chicken. As I pulled out the recipe, I had noted on it "make again-Tony love it!". I couldn't help, but smile when I read that. I loved cooking for Tony. I know that sounds so old school and 1950's housewife-ish, but it was true. I loved the way he would rave about the things that I made, brag to his friends that they had to try some of this or that that I made, and always compliment me on how great everything turned out.Then he would usually always smile and throw in a few "I am so luckys" with his cute grin on his face. He even prided himself on becoming my "sou-chef" and "master chopper" in preparing meals. We spent some great times together in the kitchen...Last night as I was cooking, before my guests arrived I felt like Tony was beside me as I was prepping the food. It may make me sound nutty, but I don't care it was a good feeling:-)